Dear Tao,
I'm nearing the end of my rope and have become desperate enough that I figure even a
letter to you couldn't hurt. Over the last couple of years I've found myself working
longer and longer hours. I pointed this out to my boss and she said that there's no way
the company could afford to hire more people, and that I was going to have to learn how
to "work smarter." Just what the heck is that supposed to mean? P.O.
Dear P.,
In order to work smarter you have to do two things: first figure out who is smarter
than you, and then copy their actions and claim them as your own. This is a problem
that's easily solved if you look at history.
Unless your name is Stephen Hawking, it's pretty safe to say that Albert Einstein was
smarter than you. Let's see how he handled a similar situation.
Early in his career Mr. Einstein was working in a patent office, but he was having
trouble keeping up with the ever increasing workload. Upon asking his boss for advice,
he too was told to "work smarter." He was also advised that he'd be a little more
presentable around the office if he wore a hairnet while he slept.
Very disturbed, he went home and contemplated these words. The story is told that
after several hours of soul searching and a couple of Fuzzy Navels he was able to get in
touch with his Inner Physicist Self: he quit his job, came up with the General Theory
of Relativity, and as a result started a career as a professional smart guy.
Taking the cue from Al, I'd say the answer's simple: quit your job and never go back to
anything even remotely related to it. True, it's not likely that you'll win the Nobel
Prize for physics, but I'm certain that at the very least you'll find it much easier to
balance your checkbook (a task that is quite a bit simpler when you don't have to
worry about income).
As for wearing the hairnet, I'd say that's optional. On the off-chance youdobecome
famous, you won't look nearly as cool when they make a poster of you if your hair is
neat and tidy -- something always worth considering in any situation.
Dear Tao,I keep a pet hamster at work, and the guy across the hall has a rat. We're
thinking of getting one of those cages that link together so that our pets can visit each
other, but before we do I have a question: would it be possible for them to have babies?
I think it'd be really cool and break up the monotony of the day.
Sign me,
Dr. Doverylittle
Dear Doctor,
It sounds like you may have not been paying very close attention to your biology
classes for, say, your last ten years of school. The short answer is no, you can't
cross-breed rats and hamsters. However, you'll get a brief but downright eye-opening
demonstration of what food chains are all about if you decide to take the leap and give
your pets a formal social introduction.
Speaking of rodents, it's worth noting that they can be of tremendous help in your
company's advertising efforts. Let's say you have a list of possible slogans to use but
are unsure which is best. Simply tape all the slogans you're considering on the side of
your rodent tank and then watch carefully. The one your little beast walks toward will
be the natural winner. Remember, advertising works on the most primitive portions
of the brain, so a rat is as good as an ad exec for the task, and you get the added benefit
of Purina Rat Chow being quite a bit cheaper than the cost of a two- martini lunch.
Can't even come up with a slogan? No problem. You can use single words just as easily
and then string them together. It might take a few trials until you get something that
makes sense, but keep at it. I tried this using random words cut out of the newspaper
and came up with the ultra-highbrow "Price last, anybody's near Russia." It's got
everything you need: concern for the customerandfaux concern for other countries.
Even today I'll bet you could sell a few Lisas using that heady doublespeak.
Dear Tao,
I had a conversation with my boss the other day in which he accused me of "gross
incompetence" merely because I was personally responsible for the failure of our
company's last three products. I could use your advice on how to proceed.
Spud Boy
Dear Spud,
If what you said is true, your boss is right: you are incompetent. Don't let that bother
you; competency is only one of several factors related to your job, and in some ways
your future has never looked brighter. However, you should take action if you're
interested in staying where you are.
The key here is to slyly change your company's employment guidelines. In the 1990s
nearly all businesses of any size have a bylaw that says something like, "Sproutbud
Software has a policy of equal opportunity hiring and we will not discriminate with
regard to an employee's ethnic origin, religious beliefs, age, sex, sexual preference,
marital status, or even if they wear brown shoes with a blue suit."
Obviously the phrase that you want added is ". . . will not discriminate with regard to
ability," but that's going to be hard to get on the first pass. What you'll need to do is get
very militant about something that seems relatively trivial. The next time you have a
large meeting, hint that you have reason to believe that your company discriminates
against people who like sherbet. Once they deny it (as they undoubtedly will), say "OK,
maybe you're right, but I won't be comfortable until our employment guidelines are
changed to reflect this." Next, insist there is discrimination against people who like
the color magenta; then, those with a penchant for keeping more than a dollar's worth
of change in their pockets. Eventually people will get so sick of you that they'll just
say "Yeah, whatever! Just fill out whatever you like. Anything to get you to shut up!"
Be careful. Once you have this power you'll feel like flaunting it by saying something
like ". . . will not discriminate against people whose last names end in y." It sounds
catchy, but it's a sure tip-off to your plans.
TAO JONES, in a high school English class assignment years ago, was asked to describe
his ultimate fantasy. Although the exact details are now forgotten, it had something to
do with huge castles, large bicycle tracks, and "The Gong Show." When he discovered
that the rest of the class had described things like "a long weekend with Farrah
Fawcett," he immediately started working on an all-encompassing philosophy to
explain the rest of humanity. It's taken years to perfect, and today this philosophy is
commonly referred to as his "bad attitude." *Tao Index: Do not trust those who have
their jeans pressed. *
Used chewing gum? Place it here.*
Tao needs questions or he may be forced to do his real day job. Please send your queries
regarding the social and political aspects of office survival to AppleLink DEVELOP. If
your question is published, he'll reward you with an incredibly cheap, yet
heartwarmingly collectible, gift. *