Dear Tao,
Someone at work is stealing all my pens. I know it doesn't sound like a big deal, but it's
getting to the point where I'm going through dozens a week. Even more frustrating is
that I'm certain it's happening during normal business hours, not at night.
I just know the Internal Revenue Service isn't going to believe a huge deduction for
office supplies at the end of the year. What can I do?
Pound Wise But Pen Foolish
Dear Pound,
You are in one of those unique positions where you can not only solve the mystery of
the missing pens, but also spruce your office up a bit.
The first thing you need to do is cover your walls with blacklight posters. As a
minimum you should get a tiger, a Jimi Hendrix, and a flaming dirigible. What's really
great is that although interior design has taken huge leaps forward since the 60s,
blacklight art has remained remarkably the same. Any investment you make now is
sure to be preserved for years.
Once you've got the posters, you naturally must have a blacklight to properly show
them off. I would recommend the most powerful one you can get, but you should stay
away from the strobes -- although rare, there are some people who experience
seizures from strobe light.
At this point the trap is set. Now all you need to do is dust your pens with ultraviolet
powder (available from any burglar alarm shop). Make sure that you leave the light
off for the first day or two. Then turn it back on and watch the people who come back
and forth from your office. The one with the glowing yellow hands is your best suspect.
Note that if you're going to spend much time working under these lamps, you should get
yourself a pair of UV goggles. It's not a bad idea to have a pair anyway; they make a
great fashion accessory to spice up any wardrobe.
If things ever get a bit dull around the office, you can always set up your own security
desk. Imagine the thrill you'll get saying things like "Excuse me, miss, you'll need to
be stamped in order to reenterthe building." Putting up a sign that reads "No bottles,
cans, knives, or tape recorders" will just add to the ambiance.
Dear Tao,
Lately I've been pondering a real big question that I'm not making any headway with:
what, exactly, is it that people are trying to accomplish? Sure, all these software
companies are trying to change the world, make profits, and all of that, but why?
Puzzled
Dear Puzzled,
You're asking the question that has plagued people from time immemorial. It's been
phrased lots of different ways, usually by big people thinking big thoughts and wearing
strange clothes, but the crux is always the same: just what is the deal?
Different religions and philosophies will give you different answers. Buddhists will
tell you about enlightenment, Christians will expound on heaven, existentialists will
ask "Why do you even care?" and a ten-year-old kid will point to a candy store.
Unfortunately, all of these solutions look too far forward into the future, are too
imbued with concepts of the human spirit, and still are not answering the basic
question as it concerns computing.
I know the answer, but as part of the fraternity of philosophers, advice columnists,
and magicians, I'm not supposed to release our secrets. However, I've never been
comfortable with being a part of the "in" crowd, so I'll tell you the answer: it's
Pac-Man.
From Day 1 people have wanted to be entertained, but for millennia this need was
never truly fulfilled. Then in the 1980s Pac-Man came along and there was a brief
period of bliss. Money could actually buy happiness -- assuming you had at least a
quarter and a Pac-Man machine nearby.
Of course, a person can take only so much of any given kind of happiness, especially
one that goes "wokka, wokka, wokka, GOINK!" People became burned out, and the
search has been on ever since. That's right: this $200 billion-a-year industry, and
all those government think tanks, are actually doing nothing more than searching for
the next Pac-Man. Most experts agree that the next big breakthrough will be in a
driving game of some type, which explains why you've been hearing so much about the
digital highway lately.
Dear Tao,
Believe it or not, I actually like wearing a suit to the office. I've tried the standard
jeans and T-shirt outfit, but I just don't feel comfortable in them. My problem is that
when I do dress up, my colleagues continually criticize me for it. What can I do?
Pinstriped in Pennsylvania
Dear Pinstriped,
Unfortunately, you're in a very difficult situation that probably isn't "curable." The
ailment was discovered in the 1950s and is most commonly referred to today as the
"Liberace Syndrome." The studies of the human genome seem to indicate that there's
some sort of defect in the appearance gene that will make affected individuals want to
start dressing flashier and flashier. It's not clear what causes it, although chronic
exposure to jewelry, candelabra, or Las Vegas clearly will make the condition worse.
You'll also find that your condition will become more severe with age.
The disease starts very mild. At first you'll shun sneakers. Then you'll start thinking
that cotton has too rough of a feel. As things progress to the final and most outrageous
stages, you'll find yourselfwanting to wear sequined capes and feather boas. Thousands
of people have been afflicted by the Liberace Syndrome: Little Richard, Elvis Presley,
Elton John, Madonna, James Brown, and Rip Taylor, to name a few.
So it's bad news and good news about your affliction. The good news is that it's possible
to live a full, relatively happy life. The bad news is that you'll never be able to do so in
the computer industry. My recommendation is to start singing every morning in the
shower, find an agent, and figure out which colors best match your hair and
complexion.
RECOMMENDED READING AND LISTENING
TAO JONES paid his way through college by volunteering as a subject for psychology
experiments. He became obsessed with trying to figure out what the experiments he
was participating in were trying to determine and then defeating them. One day he was
told to go to the testing room down the hall and on the right. He went down the hall and
entered a room that was completely dark. Figuring it was an experiment in sensory
deprivation, he went in and sat down. Two days later, he emerged, nearly dead from
dehydration. It was then that he discovered he'd gone down the hall and turnedleft only
to end up in the janitor's closet. *
Tao Index: A person's belief in the truth of a particular argument is inversely
proportional to their emotional fury in delivering it. *
You can determine the future of Tao Jones. Simply put, this may be Tao's last
column. If he receives no more questions, we will put him in a job better suited to his
skills: repairing Lisas and Apple IIIs. Will Tao be saved? Only if enough of you
AppleLink DEVELOP with a question on office survival. *